


Here In Your Arms, or, Fifteen Times Loras and Renly Hugged

by fizzyblogic (phizzle)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Adulthood, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Sweethearts, Family, Fluff, Growing Up, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2012-09-06
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:10:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phizzle/pseuds/fizzyblogic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The entire plot of this fic is hugs. Well, and life, sort of. But basically hugs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here In Your Arms, or, Fifteen Times Loras and Renly Hugged

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slightlytookish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlytookish/gifts).



> Thanks to the awesome laurelcrowned for the beta <3 and to slightlytookish for enabling my squee and showing me the merits of h/c <3

**1991**

Loras is four years old when the Baratheons move in over the road. He's sitting out in the garden with the baby, building her a castle of flowers, and she looks up and says, "People, Lolly."

She's only two, and can't quite manage to say 'Loras' yet. "New people," he nods to her, looking over. There's a man and three boys; two teenagers and one who looks about eight. Loras waves to them, and the eight-year-old comes running over.

"Hi," he says. "What are you doing?"

"Making a castle for my sister," Loras says. "She's a princess."

Margaery beams at the boy, who smiles back. "Can I help?"

"Yeah." Loras shifts to make a bit of room on the grass. "I'm Loras. This is Maggie."

"Maggie," she repeats.

"I'm Renly." The boy sits down and starts pulling up grass. "Here, I'll put in battlements."

When the castle is finished, Margaery smiles at them both and says, "Fank you."

"You're welcome, Your Highness," Renly says, somehow managing to bow while sitting cross-legged. Loras giggles.

One of the teenagers walks up then and says, "Renly, time to go home."

"I was making friends," Renly says, standing up. Loras stands too, though he's a lot shorter. Renly hugs him, a lovely warm hug. "I'll see you later, or tomorrow," he says when he pulls away. Loras could have stayed in that hug for hours.

"Yeah," he says, and watches Renly go across the road and into the house that still has a 'For Sale' sign in the front garden. He sits down and says to Margaery, "I think I'm in love."

She has a handful of crushed flowers from the castle, and dumps them in his lap. "Thank you," he says, and she smiles at him.

@->-

**1993**

He's six years old and they're playing a running game. They're down by the stream, and Renly has pointed out targets — "You have to touch these, and it doesn't count if they're in the wrong order." He's worked out this route that keeps winding back on itself. He always knows how to make things more fun. Sometimes they hold hands to run; Loras asked Renly to be his boyfriend two weeks ago, and Renly had smiled and said okay, and since then they've held hands when they're playing. Loras's mum keeps saying they're cute. Loras spends a lot of his time gazing in adoration at Renly. He can't see how anyone could ever help it. Renly is the greatest.

For this game, it's sort of a race, though it doesn't really matter who wins. Loras slips into the lead by dodging around Renly, who laughs and runs faster. Loras is fastest, though, and ducks under Renly's arm when they're both reaching to touch the same tree. They're giggling and rushing and Loras doesn't notice the root sticking out of the ground.

He trips, almost falling head-first into the stream. He catches himself in time, and scrapes up his hands and his knees on some stones. Renly reaches out to pull him up the bank, the race forgotten.

"Are you okay?" he asks, checking him over. Loras rolls up his trouser leg. His knee is bleeding.

He bites his lip. "It stings," he says. He isn't going to cry, but it does hurt.

Renly hugs him. "I'll take you home. Does your mum still have dinosaur plasters?"

Loras smiles. "Yeah," he says. He feels bold enough to say, "Maybe you could kiss it better."

Renly gives him a bright smile and kisses just above the wound on his knee, then each of his hands. Then he kisses Loras on the lips.

Loras feels like he'll never stop smiling. "It's better already," he says, and Renly helps him to stand up so they can get back.

@->-

**1996**

Loras is nine years old and Renly hasn't been his boyfriend for thirteen months, two weeks and three days. He knows Renly is older, that he'll go through changes first and maybe he won't want some little kid hanging around wishing he'd just hold his hand again. But he tried giving him space and Renly just kept showing up and saying he missed him, so maybe he does still want him around.

Renly is thirteen. His voice has changed, and he's taller and more grown-up than he ever was. He started talking to Loras about liking boys a little while ago; Loras is sure he'll still like boys when he's older, so he talks about it with Renly quite a bit. He pretends he wants advice, but really all he wants is to spend time with Renly. He's good to talk to, and listens to cool music that Loras doesn't understand the words of but likes the beats and guitars.

Renly likes a boy at school. Loras hadn't realised before what it really _means_ to like a boy, just any random boy, because the world is set up for straight people and there's nobody to tell you how to work out if a boy you like is straight or not, or if they'd tell everyone if you tried to kiss them. Loras does his best to come up with answers when Renly asks how to do that, but he feels a frustration he can't shake. He's just a _kid_ , how is he supposed to know these things? How is Renly? How is _anyone_? He watches the straight kids around him, the girls who pull him into Kiss Chase despite his protests that he isn't playing, and tries to go from there. It's no good.

Loras goes over to Renly's one day after school, like normal. Renly won't come out of his room, so Loras takes up a plate of biscuits and some lemonade that Mr Cressen gave him, and nudges his door open with his foot. "It's me," he says.

Renly is curled up on his bed, hugging his pillow. His face is wet with tears. Loras drops the plate and glasses on the floor, almost spilling everything but managing not to, and flings himself at the bed. He climbs onto it and sprawls over Renly, hugging everywhere he can reach. "What's the matter?" he says.

"He punched me," Renly says, voice cracking. "It'll be all over school by tomorrow."

"I'm so sorry," Loras says, wriggling to try and get closer. Renly lets go of the pillow and Loras takes its place, hugging him tightly. "What a dick."

"No —"

"Renly," Loras says, "anyone who punches you is a dick." He's starting to get angry, the initial burst of sympathy giving way to it.

Renly sniffs. "Why didn't he like me?"

"Because he's an idiot. Only an idiot wouldn't like you. And frankly, I don't want you going out with an idiot."

Renly laughs. He's clinging to Loras. "But he's so cute."

"No. Not cute. You should report him. He should pay for what he did." Loras has never felt so angry, never hated anyone so much. "How _dare_ he?"

Renly sniffs again. "Maybe he was just scared. Maybe he's really gay but he can't face it, and he took it out on me."

"Stop it." Loras hugs him tighter, until Renly pushes him off a bit.

"I need to breathe, rose," he says.

He only calls Loras 'rose' when he really, really needs comfort. They'd come up with this game, back when they were boyfriends. Loras was the rose, because Renly said he was pretty like roses. Renly was the stag, because stags are always these elusive, beautiful creatures in stories, that are lucky if you catch them, but they're hardly ever caught. Loras didn't say that when he named him, he'd just said, "Because you're really cool and majestic," and Renly had grinned. But secretly, it was because of the beauty.

Loras eases off, keeping the hug as tight as he can. "I hate him," he says.

"I can't," Renly says, sounding miserable.

"I'll hate him for you," Loras says. "I'm serious about reporting him. You can't just let him get away with punching you."

"I can't _grass_ ," Renly says, appalled.

"He _hurt you_ ," Loras says. "Report him or so help me, I will go over to his house with a cricket bat, and he will regret everything."

Renly starts laughing. Loras shoves him. "I'm serious," he says, but Renly's stopped crying, so he doesn't mind too much.

"Sorry," Renly says. "It's just, you're _nine_."

"Yeah, well, I may be small and a kid, but I'm still angry. I don't want anyone hurting you, stag."

"Oh, rose." Renly kisses Loras's forehead. "At least you still love me."

"Always," Loras says, holding on.

@->-

**1999**

Renly goes to get his GCSE results, and Loras comes along for moral support. Things have been a bit weird all summer, and he knows Renly is confused about it. He can't tell him that he's suddenly awkward around him because he's started getting erections and they happen with embarrassing frequency around Renly. He'd _die_. Puberty is a horrid thing, Loras has realised, and he's only just beginning it.

He waits outside while Renly goes in to pick up his papers. Loras fidgets with his sleeves, smiling nervously at the other friends waiting, some older than sixteen, some younger. There's one or two parents, and Loras feels a faint sympathetic humiliation for the people they're waiting for.

Renly comes out of the school, grinning. "I passed," he says, and Loras runs over to hug him. Renly picks him up and squeezes, laughing into his ear. "Three As, four Bs and two Cs."

"That's brilliant," Loras says, feeling like he's swallowed sunshine and is beaming it into Renly's shoulder. "I knew you could do it."

@->-

**2000**

Loras knows that Renly has his driving test today, but he writes a text to him anyway, sitting on the wall outside the hospital. He's half hiding in a bush, and stares at what he's typed before cancelling and just calling Renly.

He gets his voicemail. He hadn't cried, not until then, but hearing Renly say, "Hi, you've reached Renly's phone. I'm probably busy doing something fun, leave me a message and I'll get back to you," Loras just bursts into tears.

He sniffs when he hears the beep. "Sorry," he says, "um, it's me. I need you, stag. Will's been in an accident, he — we don't know how bad yet. I don't." He stops, voice too thick to form words, and just cries for a second. "We're at the hospital. Please," his voice cracks and he sobs a few times. The second beep sounds, end of the message, and Loras hangs up and puts his head on his knees.

His dad finds him there, still crying. Loras looks up when he hears his name. "Is there any news?" he says, wiping at his eyes.

His dad nods. "He's alive," he says, and Loras can't speak, a fresh wave of sobs overtaking him. "He's still in bad shape, he isn't awake yet, but he's not critical now. Come back inside."

Loras follows his dad in. They've moved Willas to his own room in a ward. Garlan and their mum are sitting by the side of his bed, each holding one of his hands. Margaery is standing by the wall, and Loras joins her there. Silently, she reaches for his hand and he takes hers, gives it a reassuring squeeze. She's only eleven, but she's holding it together better than any of them.

A nurse comes in after a couple of hours. There have been nurses and doctors coming and going, but this one says to their dad, "There's a young man outside, a friend of the family. I've told him Willas already has too many visitors, but he insisted I tell you he's here."

Loras looks up from staring at Willas, trying to make his eyes open by telepathy. "Is it Renly?" he says.

"Yes, he said his name was Renly Baratheon," the nurse says, and Loras is running down the corridor before he can think.

Renly's waiting next to the ward desk. Loras starts crying again as soon as he sees him, and Renly opens his arms. Loras runs into them and holds on as Renly hugs him. "He's going to be okay," Loras says, when he can speak.

"Thank God." Renly isn't letting go, Loras clinging hard. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"Wasn't your fault." Loras tries to stop crying. "How did it go?"

"It's not important." Renly shifts his head to kiss Loras's hair. Loras squeezes his eyes shut.

"Please, tell me. I need, I need something."

"I passed," Renly says.

"Yay." He tries to sound enthusiastic about it, but it doesn't come out right. Renly laughs and holds on tightly.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he says. "Don't you ever leave me, rose."

"I won't," Loras says, confused for a minute. Then he thinks about Renly getting a phone call like that, that maybe he'd thought about what would happen if it had been Loras. "It's okay, I'm right here."

Renly sobs, twice, and then noisily draws breath in to steady himself. "I'm sorry. It's your brother who's hurt, I should be comforting you."

"You are." Loras squeezes a bit, not enough to be a problem. Then, because this is the worst day of his life and his brother hasn't even woken up yet and when he does he'll be paralysed, and life is fucking _short_ , Loras says, "I'm in love with you."

"What?" Renly breaks the hug and stares at him.

"Sorry. Just." Loras sniffs. He must look awful, and part of him wants to regret saying it, but he can't. He just can't. "It hit me today how precious life is, and if you don't tell people how you feel, you're just wasting time. So I had to tell you. I'm in love with you."

"Oh." The look on Renly's face is horrible, but after today Loras can bear anything. "I don't — Loras, you're just a kid. No," he adds quickly, "I didn't — that came out wrong. I'm sorry. You're — you're thirteen, and I just ... think of you as a kid. I'm so sorry." He looks it, face crumpled and devastated. "You'll always be my childhood boyfriend, rose. I love you, just, not like that."

Loras nods, sniffing back tears. "Well, my brother's alive," he says. "Everything else doesn't seem so bad."

"I promised myself I wouldn't hurt you," Renly says. "Not ever. You're my best friend."

Loras smiles. "It's all right. I didn't expect you to love me back, I know I'm a kid to you. I'll survive. I just had to say it."

"Okay." Renly wipes his eyes. "I am going to go to the shop and get tissues. Do any of you need anything? Magazines, flowers, something?"

Loras digs a fiver out of his pocket. "See if you can get a teddy with this. For Margaery. She's holding it together, but I know her, she'll bottle it up and crack later. Mum'd like Will to have flowers, I think." He smiles. "Thank you."

"What are friends for," Renly says. He kisses the top of Loras's head, and Loras watches him go.

@->-

**2002**

He hears car doors shut outside and runs to the window. He's been sitting in it all day, waiting for Mr Cressen's car, only tearing himself away to use the loo or grab lunch. He's coming out of the bathroom when the doors slam, and it's them. He jumps down the stairs two at a time, almost knocking into Margaery as he swings round the corner and starts running to the front door. "Sorry," he calls over his shoulder, and she just laughs.

Renly is pulling bags from the boot when Loras wrenches the front door open and starts pelting across the road. "Rose," Renly yells, dropping his bags.

"Stag," Loras shouts joyfully, throwing himself into Renly's waiting hug. It's tight and good and summer is the best time ever. "I missed you."

"Clearly I missed a lot," Renly says, leaning away to look at him properly. "You're taller."

"It's called being fifteen," Loras says, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you can cast your mind back those four cavernous years to remember what growing up is like."

"Come off it, I'm still growing up." Renly's looking at him strangely. "It's _weird_ , you're not — I don't think you photograph well. You still looked like a kid in all the pictures you've sent me this year."

"And I don't look like a kid now?" Loras's heart is determined to soar. He tells it to shut up.

"No." Renly shakes himself and leans back into the hug. "You really don't look like a kid now."

"Well, I'm _not_ a kid now," Loras says. "Got my heart all broken and everything. I mean, apart from you."

"Don't," Renly says, hugging him harder. "You know I don't — I never want to hurt you."

"Relax, it's fine," Loras says. "I'm _fine_. That thing with the stupid sixth-former was this year's drama. The people at school haven't been too bad since I was outed. Well, not after three lads tried to beat me up and I gave them a taste of their own medicine."

"You didn't tell me that." Renly leans back again to look at him, frowning. "You should be careful."

"I'm fine," he repeats, happily gazing into Renly's eyes again. "It stopped all the trouble."

" _All_ the trouble? What else haven't you told me?"

"I didn't want you to worry." Renly pulls him back into the hug and Loras laughs, happiness in his chest like bubbles. "I got some shit, but I put a stop to it. It doesn't matter. Anyway, how was first year?"

"You rang me every night," Renly says. "I told you how it was."

"Anything you didn't tell me? Maybe about that hot guy from your halls?" Loras is grinning. Renly is _back_ and everything in the world is fantastic.

"Maybe," Renly says, in a sing-song voice. Loras laughs. The hug breaks with one last squeeze, and when Loras steps away, he notices that Mr Cressen has quietly taken Renly's bags inside. "There might have been a going-away thing."

Loras raises his eyebrows. "A going-away thing? Like a party?"

"Well, sort of. If by party you mean fantastic sex."

Loras laughs. "That does sound like a party." He slings his arm around Renly's waist. "Tell me _everything_."

@->-

**2003**

The day Loras is due to get his GCSE results, he cultivates an air of confidence. "It's going to be awesome," he tells Margaery, who is baking a congratulations cake with Will. "I'll come back here and show you all how many As I got and we can celebrate."

"Is Renly going with you?" Will says, sifting flour.

"Yeah, he's picking me up in," Loras checks his watch, "about ten minutes. Does this shirt look okay?"

Margaery laughs. "You look fine, stop fussing."

They both call, "Good luck," after him when the doorbell goes and he races to the hall.

"I won't need it," he calls over his shoulder, opening the door and grinning at Renly.

Their route to the school takes them mostly past houses, but there's a few parks, the stream, and a couple of mounds that are too small to be anything like hills, but provide little copses. He drops his confident front as soon as they're out of their street, and by the time they get to the nearest copse, Loras feels like he's going to throw up.

"Are you okay?" Renly looks at him and stops walking. Loras halts next to him. "You're pale. And shaking. Hey," he rubs Loras's arms. "What's the matter?"

"I'm going to fail," Loras says. He doesn't feel sick any more, not with Renly touching him. He just feels like he'll shake into pieces. "I'll fail and I'll have to re-sit everything and I'll end up a manager at Somerfield and kids will laugh at me and I'll never get a boyfriend and cats will eat me."

Renly is trying not to laugh. "I think you lost me somewhere. Here," he leads him gently up the slope and to the copse. There's no one there. Renly guides him to sit on the grass and puts his arm around Loras's shoulders. "You'll pass, I'm sure of it. And if you don't," he says, as Loras opens his mouth, "then you won't be a failure. I promise."

"But I —"

"Loras," Renly says. "Plenty of people fail their GCSEs and they do fine. So if you do fail, you won't end up ... eaten by cats. I really don't know why having certain qualifications would prevent cats from eating you, I mean, if they're _going_ to eat you, which they wouldn't, why would they check your certificates first?"

"I don't know," Loras says, faintly. "It's something to do with having a dead-end job, I think. And no boyfriend, not ever."

"Oh come on," Renly says. He shifts so he's looking Loras squarely in the eye. "You're _ridiculously_ gorgeous, you could be living in a bin bag and you'd still have men lining up."

"Who'd look at me if I fail?" Loras says. "Nobody wants a sad loner boyfriend with terrible hair."

"Wait, how did terrible hair come into this?" Renly shakes his head. "Your hair is lovely. It will stay lovely no matter what marks you get in exams. Trust me."

"But what will four years working at McDonald's do to it?" Loras says.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Renly puts reassuring hands on his arms. "You're really scared about this, aren't you? Got a whole life thought out, as if everything hinges on this one thing."

"Well," Loras says.

"You're intelligent and resourceful," Renly says. "I am _sure_ you've passed. And in the unlikely event that you haven't, you can pass the re-sits. It isn't the end of the world. You won't get stuck in a job you hate. You won't be a sad loner. I _promise_. You're far too brilliant and gorgeous to end up alone. Eaten by cats." His mouth twitches, but he doesn't laugh.

Something of what Renly is saying is starting to filter through Loras's panic. "Wait, did you call me gorgeous?" A little more filters through. " _Twice_?"

Renly shifts and seems to suddenly find the grass near them fascinating. "Oh look, a beetle," he says.

"Renly." He doesn't look up, but he goes still. Great, now Loras has something else to freak out about. "Renly, do you fancy me?"

He still isn't looking up. "Can we talk about this later?"

"Yeah." Loras puts it aside. He has too much panic filling him up to feel anything else. "One thing at a time."

He's still shaking a bit when they get to the school. Renly waits outside, and it takes all of Loras's concentration not to beg him to come in with him. He steels himself and grabs his envelope, making his way through everyone without answering any of the calls of, "Loras! How did you do?"

He gets back to Renly and says, "Let's go."

"You haven't opened them yet, have you?"

"Stag," Loras says. His voice cracks and was pleading to start with. Renly takes his hand, the one that doesn't have his future in it.

"Come on, rose, let's find somewhere."

They end up going to the trees by the stream and sit against the trunk of one. Loras has many thoughts pushing for his attention, and one of them is _This is where I had my first kiss_. It's the least complicated of the lot, somehow.

"I can't look," Loras says, holding out the envelope to Renly. "Can you? Please?"

"Of course."

Loras shuts his eyes and listens to the paper crinkling. "So? What's the damage?"

"You passed." Loras opens his eyes and Renly is smiling. "Everything. Let's see, two A*s, six As, two Bs. You got an A* in PE, I didn't even know you could do a GCSE in that."

"The headmaster had to swing it, usually nobody wants to." Loras grabs his results out of Renly's hands. The maths is on a different piece of paper. He holds one in each hand and stares at them. "I passed," he says. He doesn't really know what to do with himself, the panic suddenly with no direction. It dissipates, and in its place he starts feeling excitement. "Renly, I passed!"

Renly's grinning at him. "Told you," he says. Loras hugs him, knocking him over with it. Renly laughs as they crash to the ground. The papers are still in Loras's hands, and he's sure they'll be scrunched up and possibly covered in soil, but he doesn't care. He just hugs Renly tightly, laughing into his ear.

"I passed," he repeats. Renly wraps his arms around him. They're rolled so Renly's legs aren't folded under him; they're tangled up with Loras's legs instead. Loras realises then that he's basically lying on Renly, and gets off him. His jubilation is being edged out by the knot of feelings accompanying their unfinished conversation. "Um, sorry."

"What for?" Renly sits up, looking confused. Loras smoothes out the papers, brushing off soil, and folds them back into the envelope.

"Y'know. I was kind of." Loras makes vague hand gestures, but Renly still looks confused. "Never mind."

"No, what is it?"

Loras looks away. "I was on top of you. I didn't mean to. Sorry."

"Oh." Loras glances back at him. Renly is examining his hands.

"We should have that conversation now," Loras says.

"Do we have to?"

"Wow, is it that bad?" Loras suddenly doesn't want to look at Renly either. "You know, you can just tell me you don't fancy me. I just thought — look, you can think I'm gorgeous without wanting to snog me or anything, it's okay. I mean," he puts his front up again, "I am pretty gorge."

"Don't," Renly says. It comes out sort of broken. "Don't do that with me. I never — I don't want to make you feel like you have to —"

"Hey." Loras turns to face him and gently tilts Renly's chin up until he's looking at him. "I'm sorry. And it's _okay_ , you can just tell me. If you're worried about breaking my heart again, don't be, it's fine. I'll live."

"So you still love me then," Renly says. He sounds weird. Loras can't tell what emotions are in his voice, or even his face, there are too many. One of them is misery, though, so Loras's heart breaks.

"Look, you don't have to say it." He drops Renly's chin and turns away again. "I can see you don't, it's fine. I have to — I'm going home. Margaery and Will made a cake."

"No, wait." Renly definitely sounds miserable. It's worse this time. Maybe because he just had good news so this seems more awful in contrast, or maybe because Loras is more in love now than he was three years ago. All he knows is he has to get away from this.

"I'm going home." Loras stands up. As he does so, he realises exactly why it's so much worse. "I'm sorry, I can't really stay here and tell you it's okay. I just — I just twigged that — that when I loved you as a kid, it was like a kid's love. That's not how I love you now, I'm — I'm in love with you. Like, like Robert's in love with Lyanna. Big, stupid, heart-wrenching, adult in love, and I have to go and eat cake with my family and pretend I'm happy about these stupid results that don't seem to matter much now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Loras, wait." Renly stands up. "Please don't go, I haven't — I haven't said it yet."

"Don't." Loras is on the verge of crying. "Just don't. You said you never wanted to hurt me, so don't."

"Please —" Renly reaches out and grabs Loras's arm as he turns away. He sounds wrecked. "Loras, I want you so much I can hardly breathe."

Loras turns back to him. "What?"

"I'm —" Renly moves closer, hovering a hand near Loras's face. "Fuck, I'm such a horrible person. You're _sixteen_."

"So?" Loras's heart has started pounding. It's beginning to sink in.

"I know," Renly says, licking his lips and staring at Loras's mouth, "I know they changed the age of consent to match the straight one, and that was good, it wasn't fair before. It wouldn't be illegal, but I —"

"I wasn't even thinking about sex." Loras learned a long time ago to compartmentalise his thoughts about Renly into 'wanking time' and 'talking to his face'.

"I was," Renly says. "I'm too old for you, and you, your life is just beginning —"

"I'm not a _kid_ ," Loras says, because he has just grasped how much Renly has been beating himself up over this. "I'm a teenager, old enough to make my own decisions about whether I'm ready for sex or not. It's not like you're going to take advantage of me. And for fuck's sake, Renly, you're not an old man, you're twenty. Last year you were still a teenager."

"And last year, you were fifteen," Renly says.

"And this year, I'm sixteen," Loras says. "You're really stuck on this age thing, aren't you?" Renly nods miserably. "It doesn't _matter_. Age is a number, sexual maturity is individual. I'm not actually sure if I'm ready or not. I'm supposed to be by now, most of my mates have either lied or actually lost their virginity, but I don't really know. It's not like you'd push. You're not an animal ruled only by your baser urges. And I don't think I'll really know if I'm ready until I actually have a boyfriend, and since I've barely looked at anyone but you since I was _four_ , what are the chances of me getting to figure it out?"

"Stop using logic," Renly says. He sounds pathetically bleak.

Loras cups Renly's face in his palms. "You think too much," he says. "You're holding onto this idea of a sordid relationship where you're exploiting your power as a twenty-year-old over young impressionable me. I don't know where this mythical older person power comes from, do we all get some sort of cube that holds the key to mind control when we stop being teenagers? Wait, don't answer that, it's clearly a secret. And besides, have you _met_ me? I'm not exactly going to do something I don't want to."

"You said you'd do anything for me," Renly says. One by one, Loras is going to break down these stupid walls Renly has put around himself and actually get to enjoy the fact that Renly fancies the pants off him. He tells that thought that its time will come and concentrates on the next hurdle.

"Yeah, and I meant I'd jump into a lake fully-clothed or sneak out of the house or get my hair muddy. Don't get me wrong, I'd help you hide the bodies, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you have sex with me if I'm not ready. I can think for myself, you know." He smiles, trying to catch Renly's eye. He keeps dropping his gaze.

"I know, I just — I feel so bad about breaking your heart and then turning around and saying hey, let's fuck."

Loras gets a split-second mental image that he is going to wank to _so much_ later. "What aren't you telling me?"

Renly is staring at his arms, looking like he's about to cry. "I think you're fantastic, you're an amazing person, and you're so staggeringly beautiful and I," he closes his eyes, "I want to tear all your clothes off and I know you're in love with me and you'd let me if you were ready. But I don't know if I'm in love with you. I know I love you, but — as a friend. I don't know if it's more than that."

"Oh." Loras's heart stops lifting.

"I am so sorry, I don't — I don't _know_ yet, I've spent so long suppressing all of this, I just didn't want to think about it. I _don't_ want to think about it. Every time I look at you —" Renly lifts his eyes to Loras's mouth and drops them again. "I just want you so much, and I _never_ want to use you for sex. You mean the world to me, Loras. My rose."

"Work it out." Loras drops his arms and moves away from him. "You'll go back to uni soon, anyway. Work out how you feel about me, and then tell me. And don't be afraid to tell me you still don't love me like that. Okay? I want the truth."

Renly nods. "I'm so sorry."

"Just." Loras is having a much more emotionally fraught day than he thought he would when he woke up this morning. He has to go and smile for his family, and he needs _something_. "Kiss me, please, just once."

"Fuck, are you sure?" Renly is staring at his mouth. Loras thought he'd never get to really properly kiss him, not like the little pecks on the lips they had when they were kids, really _kiss_ him.

He nods. His hands are bunching in Renly's shirt. "Please, I need you to."

Renly surges forward. Their mouths are already open when they meet, kissing frantically, grasping at each other. They crash against the tree, Loras's back pressing into the bark as Renly shifts closer. Loras gets his fingers into Renly's belt loops and tugs him in, arching at the contact. He kisses him hard, fast, pressing his tongue against Renly's, yanking his shirt up and splaying his hands over Renly's back. Renly is moaning, hands sliding around as far onto Loras's ass as they can go with it against a tree. Loras is getting hard, and feels Renly's growing erection against his, moves his hips so they fit against each other. He feels light-headed, and he is definitely ready for _some_ kind of sex. Maybe not all of it, but some of it.

He hooks one of his legs over Renly's hip, shifting their erections to a better angle. Renly whispers, "Fuck," into his mouth.

"Sorry." Loras drops his leg. The kiss hasn't exactly finished; their mouths are still close enough to count, though they're keeping their tongues to themselves. They're both breathing hard. His lips bump against Renly's when he speaks. "This was meant to just be one kiss."

"I can't, I can't stop, please don't make me," Renly says, sounding utterly desperate. "Just kissing, I mean, I'm not — you don't have to do anything else, and you can say no, I just need to keep kissing you, _please_." Loras whimpers and shifts their mouths so they're back in place. It's desperate and fast and Renly isn't pressing their crotches together any more but Loras _wants_ him to, wants to rub against him and come in his pants and whisper Renly's name into his mouth.

The kiss breaks suddenly. One second Loras is dying from it, the next Renly is pulling away and staring at him. "Of course," he says.

"What? What, did you find the secret of the universe on my tongue? If so, we need to keep kissing. For science. Who knows what other discoveries could be back there."

Renly laughs. It doesn't break the tension, because the tension is Loras's boner. "No, I just — I know how I feel." He smiles. "I love you. I'm in love with you, God, it's so _obvious_ now. That's why I feel like now I've started kissing you," he brushes his thumb over Loras's jaw, "I don't ever want to stop. It's why I think about you all the time, why I keep having to stop myself from buying you little presents —"

"You could buy me little presents," Loras says. "What sort of little presents?"

Renly laughs again. He looks like he's suddenly found what happiness is. "I love you so much. Little things that reminded me of you, like a rainbow alarm clock or a silk rose or one of those laser things inside crystals, there was one that was a football and I shouldn't have mentioned it because I just remembered I did get that one and it's your next Christmas present."

"You could get me roses and rainbow stuff," Loras says. "And I have already forgotten about the Christmas present, what Christmas present?"

"Of course it's you," Renly says. He's gazing at Loras now, a soft contented look on his face. "It's always been you, hasn't it? This was coming the whole time, I just couldn't see it."

"Well, sometimes I'm cleverer than you are," Loras says. Renly laughs.

"Will you stop gloating if I do this?" Renly slides his hand under Loras's shirt, splaying it on his stomach. Loras bites his lip.

"I'm not gloating. I'll never gloat again if you do that regularly."

"I might have to hold you to that," Renly says, smiling.

"You really love me?"

"I really love you."

Loras bites his lip. "I should be getting back," he says, not wanting to at all. "They'll be wondering if I've got lost or something."

"Just tell them we've been bonding," Renly says.

"I can't say that with a straight face," Loras protests.

"Then tell them I declared my undying love and demanded instant boyfriend time."

"Boyfriend?" Renly nods. Loras beams. "Wait, undying love?"

Renly scoffs. "Like yours isn't undying."

"Twelve years and counting, only increased over that time — yeah, you have a point."

"I have some time to make up for," Renly says, and leans in. He kisses him gently, no tongue at first, building from slow, gorgeous touches to the tip of Renly's tongue running along Loras's lip. When they open their mouths, it stays gentle and slow, deepening at a pace that makes Loras melt until he feels like he's made entirely of light.

The kiss eases and stops. Renly leans their foreheads together. "I am so in love with you," Loras whispers.

Renly brushes his fingertips over Loras's cheek. "You know you can take all the time you need to be ready for sex, don't you?"

"Of course, that's what I was saying earlier." Loras smiles. "I expect you to return to being a lust bucket when the initial haze has worn off."

Renly laughs. " _Lust_ bucket?"

"Mmm. A bucket of lust." He bites his lip. "Maybe I could go over to yours later and we could see what I'm ready for."

"Mr Cressen's going out," Renly says.

"Serendipity," Loras smiles. "Also, please never say the words 'Mr Cressen' when I'm hard. Well, at least now I'll be able to walk properly."

Renly laughs. "Come on, let's get you to the cake," he says. Loras picks up his results from where they've landed on the ground, and they head for home.

@->-

**2005**

"I can't believe I won't see you until Christmas," Loras says. He's lying on the sofa in Renly's flat, on top of him, their arms around each other. What started out as a full-body cuddle has turned into Renly hugging him and kissing his temple soothingly.

"But you'll be at _uni_ ," Renly says. "It's amazing to get there, to live away from home for the first time. You'll have so much fun, I promise."

"But it's so _far_ from here," Loras says. "And I know we survived your third year, but I've — seen you almost every day since then and I don't want to give that up."

"You were going to say you'd had me almost every day since then, weren't you?" Renly grins.

"Maybe." Loras shifts, undulating against him, but he isn't hard. There's stirrings, but he's too occupied in dreading moving away to pay any attention to them. "I like having you round the corner."

"Now that's something we haven't tried," Renly says. Loras shakes his head, trying not to laugh.

"No, be serious. Upset boyfriend here."

"I wanted to make you smile," Renly says. He kisses him lightly.

"You always make me smile," Loras murmurs, leaning in for another kiss. This one lasts, going from small and light to deep and heartfelt in about twenty seconds. They both shift to line up their bodies as the kiss gets deeper. Loras is definitely getting hard now.

Renly breaks the kiss to say, "I will visit you every single weekend. That's a promise."

"Really?"

"Really. And I'll be doing postgrad, so we can be terribly stressed students together."

Loras smiles. "Sounds good."

"See? Everything will be fine." Renly runs his fingers through Loras's hair, smiling. "And if you want, we can have phone sex or something."

"You think of everything," Loras says, leaning in to get the kiss going again.

"I do my best," Renly murmurs, and closes the distance.

@->-

**2006**

"I am having," Renly says, his voice half obscured by the sound of the train he's on, "the worst day."

"Well, when you get here, I will have cakes," Loras says. He decided to skip his one Friday lecture to bake, texting Willas with ever-increasing despair as just about everything went wrong. Thankfully, the fruits of his labour have just come out of the oven and smell delicious.

"You didn't make them, did you?" Renly says.

"Ha ha," Loras rolls his eyes. "Yes, but I had help."

"That's all right then." Renly is grinning. He sounds better already.

"So what's up?" Loras asks. Renly has been doing his placement for the past week, and he knows it hasn't been easy, but he sounds much worse today.

"Everything," Renly sighs. "That awful bloke at work was on the warpath again, yelling at everyone in sight with less authority than him. Apparently it's my fault that the traffic had to be redirected this morning and made us all late. I tried to explain that I didn't deliberately make that driver hit the cyclist, that I was, in fact, six miles away on a bus at the time, but he didn't listen."

"An accident?"

"Oh shit, sorry. They're okay. Everyone's okay."

"Right." Loras closes his eyes. "I swear, some day I will stop panicking about this."

"It's fine. I should have remembered, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Go on, you were late. I guess everyone was behind?"

"Yeah, and I hear the clients weren't happy with that. I mean, I don't actually speak to any real lawyers except the ones that shout at me, but word on the grapevine was that one or two of the really important clients got huffy when things weren't ready when we said they would be."

"Let me guess. Nobody was happy with that."

"Got it in one." Renly sighs. "Sometimes I don't know why I even want to be a barrister."

"To help people," Loras reminds him. "Because you're good at it."

"Right. Thanks, I keep forgetting."

"I'll remind you whenever you need," Loras says.

"I love you." He says it tiredly, but Loras can feel the warmth in it underneath that. "How's your course going?"

"Great. I am loving the new modules. We got the basics down in first year, now it's onto the juicy stuff. Before the stress meltdown of next year."

"Ah yes. We'll be having identical meltdowns when it's dissertation time, I'm afraid. I won't be much use for anything but crying on you about obscure laws and clauses."

"Don't worry, I'll be weeping about crashing programs and 3D modelling and textures. If I start asking why I'm doing design, remind me it's because I'm fabulous."

Renly laughs. "I've got to go, I don't want my battery to die. See you in about half an hour."

"I'll be waiting. Love you."

Renly's train gets in on time. Loras is in his usual place on the platform, and watches as Renly gets up and grabs his bag and practically falls out of the train door. Loras is right there, ready, pulling him into a hug. "I missed you," he says.

Renly holds on tightly. "I have needed this all day," he says, burying his nose in Loras's shoulder and breathing in. "You smell like baking."

Loras laughs. "I made you cupcakes. Mini rainbow ones. Had a feeling you might need to smile."

"My knight in shining armour." The hug ends, and Renly slings his duffel bag over his shoulder. "Take me home, Loras."

He takes Renly's hand, slotting their fingers together. "With pleasure," he says, and Renly waggles his eyebrows. Loras laughs. "Later," he says, and Renly grins at him.

@->-

**Spring 2008**

Renly is waiting for him when Loras has dropped off his final dissertation and said goodbye to his tutor. He spots him on the lawn and walks over, beaming. Renly hugs him. "Congratulations," he says.

Loras leans into the hug. "The graduation ceremony isn't until next year, but I don't care, I am _done_."

"Well, and there's getting your results," Renly reminds him. "How do you think you did?"

"Given what Dondarrion was saying, probably a 2:1. Maybe a first, but I don't know. I'd be happy with anything above a third."

"Fair enough." Renly breaks the hug and kisses him softly. "I think you're brilliant and you got a first, but then I don't know much about your degree."

"You've listened to me bang on about it enough," Loras laughs.

"I know, but there's only room in my head for all the law stuff." He grins sheepishly. "That and how sexy you are."

"Charmer." Loras grins and leans in. "Flattery will get you everywhere."

"Oh really?" Renly smiles and kisses him. "In that case, we'd best get back to yours so we're not done for public indecency."

Loras laughs. "I love you."

"I love you too. And I'm serious, let's go back to your place so I can give you a celebratory blowjob."

"Have I ever told you you have the best ideas?" Loras grins at him and kisses him one more time before they start walking.

@->-

**Summer 2008**

"Where does this go?" Loras holds out a can of soup. Renly looks up from organising the freezer.

"In that cupboard." He nods to one, and Loras grabs for the door.

Renly's lived in this flat for two days, while Loras finished packing everything up to move it over. It's their first place together and Loras hadn't realised just how much _stuff_ he even had. He's thinking about where they're going to put all of their DVDs and doesn't notice the cupboard door rapidly approaching his face.

"Ow," he says when it hits him. "What does it open that way for?"

"Shit, I forgot, sorry. These cupboards are weird."

Loras is holding his head. The edge of the door had whacked him quite hard. Renly grabs a bag of peas and hands it to him.

"Thanks," Loras says, feeling pathetic and small. He's _very_ tired, having stayed up far too late all week packing, and absurdly wants to cry.

Renly wraps his arms around him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just. Tired. Moving is stressful."

"You're still glad we're moving in together, though?"

"Of course, and you can stop asking me that. I've wanted a future with you forever, why would I suddenly not want it now?"

His head is throbbing, but the peas and Renly's hug are helping. He still isn't quite prepared when Renly says, "I don't know, I just feel like you wanted a fairytale and some day you'll wake up and realise the reality isn't good enough."

Loras takes the peas from his head and looks up to stare at Renly like he has lost his mind. Because clearly, he has. "I never wanted a fairytale. I just want you, that's all."

"Really?"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm quite besotted with you." Loras puts the peas back to his head to quell the insistent throb. It works. "And I know you think I'm some dream and I'll disappear in a puff of smoke or something, but I won't. I'm just a guy. Standing in front of another guy," he says, starting to smile, and Renly laughs. "Saying I love you. There, now I've referenced a romantic comedy, this officially makes this moment sappy."

"Right, and the understanding me and things I've never even told you, and re-affirming your love for me, that part wasn't sappy. It was the reference."

"Exactly." Loras smiles and hugs him back, managing to keep the peas on his head. The throbbing is almost gone, and the bag is dripping onto Renly's shirt. "I think you should put these back now."

Renly does so without breaking the hug, and resettles his arms around Loras when he turns back. "I love you," Renly says.

"Now who's being sappy?" Loras smiles, and leans up to kiss him.

@->-

**2011**

Loras stands on the hotel balcony, looking out across the bay. The Aegean sea is an impossibly glorious blue, twinkling in the morning sunlight. He's holding himself in, arms around his chest, still shaking.

 _This is stupid_ , he thinks. _You're on your honeymoon. It was just a dream._

The door behind him glides open and he feels arms around his waist. "I love being married," Renly murmurs into his ear. "Well, civilly partnered." He slides one hand into the back of Loras's sweatpants, squeezing one ass cheek. "And last night we partnered very, very civilly," he murmurs, lips against Loras's skin.

Loras leans back into him, but doesn't say anything.

"You okay?" Renly sounds worried and takes his hand from Loras's pants. "Loras, you're shaking. What is it?"

"I had a nightmare, stag," he says.

"Oh, sweet rose." Renly turns him around and hugs him, a soft warm gorgeous hug. Loras holds onto him and closes his eyes. "It's all right. Everything's okay, it was just a dream."

"You won't leave me, will you?"

"Of course not. Was that what the nightmare was about?" Loras nods into his shoulder. "Well, I won't. Do you remember when you proposed to me?"

"Yeah." Loras is trying not to cry.

"You took me to Prague for the weekend and we were looking out at the lights of the city and you got down on one knee. I thought for a minute I was about to get lucky, but," Renly squeezes gently, "I had no idea how lucky. I couldn't say yes fast enough. It was so romantic I thought I'd explode with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life making you that happy. Exactly that happy."

"Yeah?" A slow warm contentment is spreading through his entire body, pushing out the panic and devastation of the nightmare.

"We've been together for eight years, rose, lived together for three. I'm not going to leave you now. I'm not going to leave you _ever_. You're the only person I'll ever love like this."

"I love you so much," Loras says, relief filling him. "I know you wouldn't leave me, it just, the dream shook me up a bit. I'm okay now."

"Good." Renly kisses him, gentle and slow. "Come back to bed, I'll show you how much I love you."

"Every time you say that, all you show me is your penis," Loras says, starting to smile.

Renly laughs. "Okay then, come back to bed and I'll show you my penis."

"How romantic," Loras says, deadpan. Renly laughs again.

"So I take it you don't want tender comfort sex?" he says, moving his hands down to rest on the curve of Loras's ass.

"No," Loras says, grinning, "I want you to fuck me into next Tuesday."

"I think I can manage that." Renly kisses him, starting to pull him back into the room. "I'll even do it tenderly, if you like."

Loras laughs. "You're a man of many talents."

"You know it."

@->-

**2017**

Loras stands next to Renly at the funeral, his brothers and their wives completing the row of Baratheons. Robert is flanked by Starks, his wife Lyanna on one side, Ned on the other. Selyse stands next to Stannis, neither of them touching the other at all. Renly is shaking people's hands with his right, holding Loras's hand with his left. Loras isn't left-handed, but he's having to use that one to shake. He knows Renly needs the contact.

The crematorium is filled with polite mourners. Loras's family file past, shaking hands. Margaery hugs both Loras and Renly, kissing their cheeks. The procession seems to go on for hours, the smell of lilies wafting from the wreath nearby. Loras can feel Renly shaking and keeps squeezing his hand reassuringly.

When everyone is finally gone, Stannis says, "See you back at the house."

Renly doesn't move when everyone else does. He's still standing there, staring at the opposite wall. Before long, it's just the two of them, and Loras immediately steps in front of him and pulls him gently into a hug.

Renly holds himself stiffly for a moment, then deflates and hugs him back, clinging. "I called him Dad once," he says, voice thick with held-back tears. "Stannis shouted at me so much I never dared to again, but he _was_. I don't remember our parents, I was _two_ when they died. Mr Cressen brought me up. He was my _dad_."

"I know, stag." Loras squeezes him gently. "You can call him Dad with me."

"They never even let me call him Malcolm, always Mr Cressen. Robert called Mr Arryn Jon all the time, but no, Dad committed the terrible crime of not being our parents, so he was Mr Cressen and nothing else."

"Oh, stag. It wasn't fair, I know." Loras hugs him harder.

"Stannis was his favourite, I know that. I suppose he had to be someone's. But neither of them loved him like I did."

Loras doesn't say anything, just holds him. Renly is crying now, clinging on like Loras is a life raft. He rubs his back soothingly and kisses his cheek where he can reach while Renly cries, needing this one breakdown before he can face everyone again.

It subsides after a while. Renly sniffs and pulls away from the hug. "Thanks."

"You okay now?"

Renly nods. "How do you always know exactly what I need?"

"I've been married to you for six years, Renly," he says, fond. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist." He reaches for his hand again. "Ready for the wake?"

"As I'll ever be." He sniffs a few more times and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. "Right. Let's go."

@->-

**2022**

Loras wakes up one morning to find the bed empty. He wonders for a second if he overslept, but his alarm hasn't even gone off yet. He rubs grit out of his eyes and sits up.

There's a strange silence in the flat. Something is wrong. He stumbles to the bathroom and then to the kitchen, where he sees Renly, in a dressing gown, staring at the paper.

"Did something happen?" Loras drops a kiss onto Renly's head and reaches for the fridge.

Renly closes the paper and shows him the front page. Loras takes it and sits down, shaking with anger. "I'll fucking kill him," he says.

"He said he'd end my career if I didn't back down," Renly says. His voice is sort of hollow. "Him and that awful new PR woman of his."

 _RISING STAR MP SEDUCED SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY_ , the headline reads. "It was nineteen fucking years ago," Loras growls. "You _married_ me."

"Don't," Renly says. "I know you're thinking of shouting your side of the story from the rooftops, but it won't help. It's bad enough without some journalist writing it like I took advantage of you because you'd loved me since childhood."

"That's not what _happened_ ," Loras explodes.

"It's a better story than what happened," Renly says. "I won't have them making our marriage into some twisted thing, like I schemed you into bed. They're doing that enough as it is." He runs his hands through his hair, which is already sticking up every which way. "It's over. My career is over. Not even the bar will want me back now, and I can forget becoming a judge."

"It wasn't illegal," Loras protests.

"That doesn't _matter_. It doesn't matter that I was twenty, I'm thirty-nine _now_ , and the public are seeing me, now, with a sixteen-year-old kid in their heads. This is it, I'm finished."

"I will kill him," Loras says. He was hungry when he walked into the kitchen, but now all he can feel is a boiling rage. He stands up. "Can you drive, I can't think right now."

"Loras, no. _Don't_. Seriously, do not give him the satisfaction." Renly stands and holds his arms. "We will get through this. I'll talk to my publicist, see what can be done. It'll be okay. Go to work, I'll sort it."

Loras attempts to calm down. It doesn't really work, and he still isn't hungry, so he just drinks coffee and gets dressed and heads out.

Everyone at work saw the papers, of course. It's all over the tabloids, and even the broadsheets are being disgusted in a quiet, middle-class way. "In case you hadn't noticed," Loras points out to several people that morning, teeth gritted, "I am thirty-five. I was sixteen a long time ago. You have all _met Renly_. He is my _husband_. You have _seen_ how much he loves me."

People are looking at him differently, though. "If you were my son, I'd have done something about it," one of the secretaries says.

"What, broken up a relationship that wasn't wrong, and made your son miserable in the process?" Loras snaps.

He takes an early lunch, his PA instructed not to redirect his calls. He drives over to the Houses of Parliament, trying to calculate how he can get in to see Stannis.

As luck would have it, Stannis is in the foyer. The second Loras sees him, he runs. His fist is ready, swung back, when he gets there, and he punches Stannis hard.

"Loras!" Renly shouts from the stairs. Security guards are yanking Loras away from Stannis, who is glaring at him with all the venom Loras knows he has been holding in for decades.

"You killed his career," Loras yells. "How could you? _How could you_? Your _own brother_ , Stannis. Does being leader of the party really mean that much to you?"

"Loras." Renly pushes through the security guards and gets a hand on his shoulder.

"He didn't do anything wrong." Loras hasn't taken his eyes from Stannis, still yelling as security pulls them further away from each other. Stannis starts up the stairs, and Loras yells after him, "He never did anything wrong, Stannis!"

"It's all right," Renly is saying to the security guards. "I'll take him home. It's okay." They let go of Loras, and Renly pulls him into a hug.

"He had no right," Loras says, voice back to normal volume, practically sobbing. "He had no right to do that to you."

"I know, shh." Renly hugs him, kissing his hair. "We should go, I can pick the rest of my things up later. I resigned, I had to."

"You didn't do anything _wrong_ ," Loras says. He's clinging onto Renly's jacket, which is far too expensive to bunch up, but not even the fact that it's one of his own designs makes it more important than this.

"I know. There's nothing we can do, though. Stannis can fight for leadership with Cersei Lannister and I can stop having so many stress headaches. We'll be okay."

"But what are we going to _do_?"

"You've still got the Highgarden line. I'll work something out. And hey, maybe your sales will go up. Everyone will want clothes by the guy that MP seduced as a teenager."

Loras opens his mouth to tell him not to joke about it, but ends up laughing instead. "Yeah, maybe."

"Come on." Renly ends the hug with one last squeeze. "Let's go before security remove us. I'll take you for lunch somewhere."

"What about the press?"

"Okay," Renly concedes, "I'll take you home and we can have lunch there. We'll be okay, I promise."

"Are you really all right?"

Renly kisses him lightly and smiles. It's a sad smile, though. "It'll take some getting used to. I might not be my usual jolly self for a while, but I'll manage." He gives a genuine smile and puts his arm around Loras's shoulders. "I've got you."

Loras smiles, puts his arm around Renly's waist, and lets him lead them to his car.

@->-

**2027**

They get to the street at eleven, and go to Robert's house first. The usual argument is going on when Lyanna lets them in; the house used to be Mr Cressen's, and Stannis is forever complaining that Robert always wanted to get his own house and said Stannis could have this one. Robert always comes back with the space issue; he's got four kids, Stannis only has one, they need the room more. Stannis tends to bring up that most of their kids have left home, so Robert usually counters with how long they've been settled there. The shouting goes on for some time, so Loras hands Lyanna the reindeer shortbread they brought while Renly puts the presents under the tree.

"Every Christmas," Lyanna says, rolling her eyes at Loras. "It's good to see other people who aren't Baratheons, just married to them."

Loras smiles at her. "My Renly's not so bad."

"True, true, but best to keep him away from Stannis anyway."

Loras nods. "Best to keep me away from him, too."

"It's been five years," Lyanna sighs.

"Yeah, and his political career is still dead."

"How's the pub going?"

Renly comes over and slides his arm around Loras's waist. "Brilliantly, thanks. Did Bella tell you, I gave her that job. She's my best barmaid now."

"She did. Thanks."

"Anything for my favourite relatives," Renly grins.

Mya turns up half an hour later, Mychel bringing in the kids. "Is Dad still at it with Uncle Stannis?" she asks Lyanna.

"Yes. They should be done soon."

"Who else is here?"

"Gendry's upstairs. Edric's coming later, he's giving Bella a lift. Selyse and Shireen are outside, I think. They disappeared when Stannis started the argument."

Mya's kids have glued themselves to Renly's knees. "Hi, Uncle Renly," the smaller of them says.

"Hello, Cassie," he beams. "Do you know what your Uncle Loras made for you?"

She shakes her head, looking at Loras with huge blue eyes. Every Baratheon has those same eyes, especially Robert's kids and grandkids.

"I made shortbread," Loras says, crouching down, "in the shape of reindeer."

Cassie smiles, a big wide child smile. "I like reindeer."

Her brother starts singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and Renly joins in, leading them over to the sofa while their dad flops gratefully into an armchair.

Christmas dinner is, as ever, chaotic. Renly works extra hard to cover up Stannis's bad humour, which always lingers after the argument and can spread over the whole table. Loras joins in his jokes, and keeps the kids smiling. Edric and Shireen spend most of the meal talking quietly, the way they always do.

Loras and Renly escape over the road to the Tyrells' after the King's speech. Margaery greets them with hugs. "Thank God you're here," she says. "Maceling won't eat anything green."

Garlan's youngest is called Mace, but despite the fact that he's now in his twenties, he's still Maceling to them all. "Why does he have to?" Loras says, hanging his coat up.

"Will you talk to Gar? You know how he gets."

"Do I have to explain autism to him again?" Loras rolls his eyes.

"I'll go and say hi," Renly says, and Loras kisses him softly and goes off to find Garlan.

"You're being a dick again," Loras says, when he finds him in the kitchen, slicing sprouts into tiny slivers. "That won't work, you know."

"If they're small enough, they'll be white. He's okay with white."

"Garlan." Loras takes the knife from him and drops it into the sink. "He's an adult, if he doesn't want to eat anything green, don't make him. Really, his body can handle a lack of sprouts. Might be better for it, actually."

"I know, I just. Sometimes he's fine," Garlan says, leaning against the counter. "It's like he's normal, and then suddenly, wham, he's not."

"Garlan. When you think he's being normal, he's just being _comfortable_ , because you're not making him do anything outside his patterns. I know you get stressed, I know it's not easy, but the best thing you can do for him is try not to distress him."

"He was so much happier when he lived with you," Garlan says, sounding tired. "I know I'm doing it all wrong, but I can't help it, I just snap. Maybe he should move back in with you and Renly, I don't know."

"He was with us for uni," Loras reminds him gently. "I'd be happy to have him back with us if that's what he wants. But it has to be what _he_ wants. Right?"

"I know. Sorry." Garlan rubs his face with his hands. "It's just been a long week, and Leonette's so tired these days."

"Is she okay?" There was something in the way he'd said it that had betrayed a deep worry. "Garlan, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," Garlan says, half a whisper. "She's had some blood tests, we'll know in the new year. They think it might be post-viral fatigue."

"Oh, Gar." Loras pats his arm the way he always does, because Garlan doesn't like hugs. "She'll be okay, I'm sure. Look, why don't I ask Maceling if he wants to come and stay for a bit, give you a chance to concentrate on Leonette? I'm sure Renly wouldn't mind."

"Would you? I just, I'm so worried, what if it's something worse?" He looks on the verge of tears.

Loras digs out the whiskey and pours him a glass. "Here. I'm sure she'll be fine, Gar. Try not to worry about it, okay?"

Renly comes into the kitchen then. "Everything all right?"

"Leonette's not very well, Garlan's worried about her. If Maceling wants to stay with us for a bit, is that okay with you?"

"Of course." Renly pats Garlan's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be fine."

It turns out Maceling does want to stay with them for a bit. "Dad's getting all brown," he says. That tells Loras everything he needs to know about how often he's been snapping lately.

"What about your mum?" Loras asks.

"She's whiter. I don't knock into her sound so much these days." He looks down. "Is she all right?"

"She's tired. I'm sure she'll be okay," Renly says. "The doctors will know."

Maceling nods. "I'll bring everything over after New Year. Do you still have those silver polish things?"

"Yep. Our taps could do with a shine." Loras smiles. "Good thing you'll be there."

Nearly everybody's watching TV that night; Garlan's upstairs with Leonette, having a lie down, and Loras is standing out in the back garden in his coat, looking up at the stars. He hears the back door open and close, and Renly says, "Hi."

"Hi." Loras turns around and Renly hugs him. Loras leans into it.

"Merry Christmas," Renly says.

"Merry Christmas." Loras closes his eyes and says, "Leonette will be okay, right?"

"Of course she will." Renly kisses his hair and squeezes him gently. "Don't you start worrying too."

"She's my sister-in-law," Loras protests.

"I know. But she'll be fine. And we'll get to spend time with Maceling." Renly squeezes again and the hug ends.

"You okay?" Renly has a look on his face that Loras can't quite read.

"Yeah, I was just having one of those moments where you step out of your life and look at it."

"Well, at least you seem happy about it," Loras says, smiling.

"I am." He kisses Loras, soft. "I love you," he says. "I love our life, our family. I even love my side, or, some of them. This is just exactly what I wanted."

"Except you're not a politician," Loras points out. "Or a judge."

"No, but I'm a lot more relaxed than I would have been in either of those jobs. And I have you." He smiles, a look of total contentment on his face. "That's all I wanted."

Loras kisses him, smiling into it. Renly turns it into one of those gorgeous kisses that can last for hours, slow and deep and gradually filling Loras's entire body up with tingles. Renly can make him feel like he's still eighteen, like he could just stay here forever, under the stars in his childhood back garden, with his arms around Renly's back, Renly's hands in his hair.


End file.
